Redefining Self-Care
And a reminder that it's ok to change your mind.
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If you’ve been on the internet at all in the last decade, you’ve probably absorbed one very loud message: Self-care = treat yourself.
Spa days. Bath rituals. Girls’ trips. Serums. Silk pajamas.
And listen, I love all of these things. And aspire to have the time and space for all this and more as part of my daily routines someday.
But the version of self-care we’ve been sold is often more aspirational than helpful. It looks beautiful online… and yet it does almost nothing to support the systems in your body that actually determine how you feel every day.
According to health sciences definition of self-care, it’s described as:
“A person’s capacity to deliberately care for themselves using awareness, self-control, and self-reliance to achieve, maintain, or promote optimal health and well-being.”
(VeryWell Mind, Self-Care Strategies for Overall Stress Reduction)
When I read that definition, my brain doesn’t go to bubble baths or 3 hours for bottomless brunch.
I think of the things I focus on with my clients to rebalance their health. Things like:
rest
nourishment
emotional regulation
boundary setting
stress management
moving your body kindly
getting the medical care you’ve been avoiding
Real self-care is about supporting the internal systems that keep you steady and doing it in a way that does not add to your to-do list and cause more stress. It is not about creating a picture-perfect moment for Instagram.
Recently, I learned this the hard way.
My recent self-care attempt backfired
A few months ago, I joined a choir. And I had such high hopes that it was going to be soul-nourishing. The kind of self-care I hadn’t been able to focus on since I left college.
Before kids, singing was part of my identity. Choir, musical theater, summer programs, Broadway shows whenever I could afford them. At one point I nearly left college to audition to be a Disney character. Music and performance was what I love to do.
So when I saw women online “reclaiming” parts of themselves they’d lost after becoming mothers, I thought, “This is my moment. This is going to make me feel like me again.”
Except… it hasn’t.
Practices are 7–9 PM, the exact time of day my body needs quiet and winding down. After full days of parenting and working, rehearsing felt less like joy and more like another obligation hijacking the sliver of evening I get to myself.
I love singing. I hate everything around the structure of it:
finding time to practice
rushing dinner and bedtime
losing one of three December Sundays to a 5-hour concert block
pushing through exhaustion to make it work
If I’m being totally honest, instead of rejuvenating me, it’s draining me.
And this is the trap so many women fall into. We pursue activities that look like self-care yet completely disregard what our bodies actually need.
The “wellness” version of self care isn’t helping
Self-care has been marketed as something luxurious, indulgent, or aesthetically pleasing. It’s cold plunges and saunas and red light masks and hours at the gym and hour long morning routines.
But real self-care is biologically grounded. It’s what supports your nervous system, your endocrine system, your stress response, your ability to regulate emotions, and your capacity to function like the human you want to be
Research even shows this.
One study published in Frontiers in Psychology demonstrated that consistent self-care practices that regulate the nervous system (like breathwork, mindfulness, and intentional relaxation) measurably reduce HPA-axis activation — meaning they calm your body’s stress response and support healthier cortisol rhythms. (PMC6422548)
Put simply, self-care is what helps your body feel safe.
Maybe it is a relaxing bubble bath at the end of the day. Or time to dedicate to an old hobby.
But when you’re a woman juggling 400 invisible jobs a day, hormone balance, mood stability, and energy depend on consistent safety signals like enough nutrients and fuel from food, rest, community and support.
What we should really put on our “self-care” list
After reflecting on what truly improves my day-to-day well-being, not what an influencer on instagram tells me I should do to reclaim myself as a mom, here are the self-care practices that genuinely stabilize me right now.
1. Rest
I need 7+ hours of sleep to function as the mom, partner, practitioner, and human I want to be. And good sleep doesn’t magically happen for me, it requires:
a nutritious dinner
evening wind down routines that downshift my nervous system from the second shift with my kids
predictable bedtimes
morning sunlight
limiting late-night commitments
Taking yourself to bed an hour earlier than normal? That is the kind of self-care that actually supports your hormones, mood, metabolism, and immune system.
2. Eating Enough Real Food
Feeding myself well is one of the greatest gifts I can give myself right now. And I’m not talking about fancy protein balls or extra superfood ingredients. I’m talking about setting aside 10 minutes to cook yourself eggs instead of grabbing a bar, setting aside time to eat your lunch without scrolling or working through it. You don’t need anything crazy, just meals that contain real food so your body has the protein, minerals, fiber and blood sugar stability it needs to function.
No manicure on earth can compensate for the hormonal chaos caused by undereating or skipping meals.
3. Alone Time
Self-care sometimes looks like watching a show alone on the couch. Sometimes it’s wandering aimlessly through Target. Sometimes it’s ordering takeout because I mentally cannot cook another meal this week.
If it gives you some space and quiet, it counts.
4. Community That Actually Feels Good
Joining choir reminded me of this. While I thought it would be a solid community for me, turns out meeting friends in a group of 200 isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Not to mention the energy it takes to cultivate said new friendship.
Right now, nurturing existing communities I have feels more doable. Communities like our neighbors who help us when we’re out of town, school-mom friendships, old friends that feel like chosen family, and the people who truly understand the season I’m in.
Make sure your community fills you up and doesn’t drain you in the long run.
All this to say…
Self-care is not defined by:
luxury
aesthetics
escape
aspirational wellness
Instagrammable moments
It is defined by:
nervous system regulation
hormone support
rest and recovery
nourishment
boundaries
connection
The most profound self-care is stabilizing, not exciting.
It doesn’t require money.
It’s not a once-a-month treat.
It’s a set of habits that make daily life feel easier.
And most importantly, if you try something that you think is going to be cup-filling and it isn’t? It’s ok to pivot and try something new instead.
Would love to know what you’re focusing on as the year ends and we start a new one. What’s one tiny thing that you can commit to daily so you feel a little bit more supported in this chaotic holiday season?